[A heartbeat]

17/07/09 - :

21 Guns by Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath
away and you feel yourself
suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart
inside, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I. ..

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the
spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken
glass and the hangover
doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to
last, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I. ..

Did you try to live on your own?
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand to close to the fire?
Like a liar looking from
forgiveness from a stone
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has
died, you're in ruins

One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I. ..

_.a heart beat._ 23:07

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09/05/09 - :

Once again, another chapter of my life has ended. I've finally overcame the challenges at my workplace and found a new meaning to it! I feel like i've graduated out of something so amazing and new. You know i was reading through some of my older posts which i wrote but never posted. I realised what a journey it has been for me jsut these couple of months put together. Guess i'd really miss my workplace. It didn't help that they were sooo nice, bestowing me with so many presents and cards of their love and well wishes on my last day there! Even a fellow colleague who recently got his golden handshake and another who celebrated her birthday couldn't compare to the one they threw for me! And honestly, it was such a pleasant surprise! In fact, I had soo much more to thank them for... for my time there, for the things they taught me, for the care they showered over me, for the numerous lunch treats, for their help, for taking so much pain just trying to talk to me! Haha. I know i had be extremely unapproachable, especially when i first started out with that baggage of sad thoughts that eluded me already..

I actually felt reluctant to leave a workplace that i first hated but later grew to enjoy and love soo much! And all i can say is i've truly felt God's presence with me through it all. I'd never trade this experience for something else!

So.. guess once again, i'm back to unemployed. Ever since i started a countdown to this job, i've been thinking, what next? And the closest that stayed in my heart is my service area. Well. Come what may, all i can say is, its time to brace ourselves for some rocking change! Maybe not the ahem..barrack way, but i'd say i hope it might be time to do something more about it lah. We'll see.

_.a heart beat._ 13:51

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- :

Written a week later:

Anyways, i've come to realise how really tough it is for me when it comes to farewells/changes esp when i've grown emotional towards it. I won't feel like crying nor like laughing at anything and everything. A kind of zombie-like behavior afflicts me for at least a week, if not more depending on how emotionally attached i am, until smth i can get excited about excites me again. I guess my response can be regarded as like a kind of blocking thing out feeling to prevent any more hurt/grievance? And this has been reoccurring since jc days. I remember how i really had a tough time getting on with school after bintan trip ended. I had a case of what we called ''post-bintan-sickness''. Like i knew a couple of us who really enjoyed ourselves suffered from it too. But my was: severe. I would ''cling'' to the memories and even to people who could just hv been on the same trip or would trigger some of those awesome moments to keep breathing! I craved for more. At the same time, i struggled between overcoming these feelings to focus on my studies and to stop being reliant on other people to make my day less painful.

Then came the time for guitar to pass the baton over to the next batch, it just felt like i really needed some time on my own to sort out my feelings, hence my decline to its following dinner invitation with my batch. During the handover, i really thought i would cry. Even sarah thought i would. And in fact, i did during camp, cos the video just came as all-too-wonderful-a-surprise, and in the pitch darkness of watching it all, my emotions just took full control. Thankfully there was miss choo's hug, and many more from those who really made my ride in guitar! But on the day itself... maybe it would have felt much better if i had, cos i just couldn't. I had this sense of overwhelming sadness, but i couldn't express it out. Maybe i didn't want anyone to know how close i was to becoming very vulnerable.

Once again when law internship ended.. i love my fellow interns and the awesome times we had, and it really bruised me when one-by-one we all left. Like it has ENDED. I wanted to read affidavits with them. I wanted to help compile the notes together. I wanted to have loong lunches and breaks with them. I wanted.. anything that would allow us all to be together having fun!! When they left, and eventually when i had to too, i spent the whole week thinking about all of them. Wishing, hoping to see them, somewhere somehow. I was looking for.. For a connection that would rekindled my happiness obtained while spending time with these people. Even if it was embarassingly funny. I wanted to see a recognition in their eyes for this mutual feelings as well. But i saw nothing during dinner. Either that, or, they hid it very well. Much better than i did or ever would. Perhaps that explains why i felt hurt too when he stopped contacting me. For a moment, i thought i've fallen in love with him. But i realised that we were quite so close, i've grown attached to the idea of him around, that when the idea burst like a bubble, he had gone on with life and left me behind to pick up the pieces. Can you imagine that? We weren't even attached, and i already feel this way. Now what if i were to become involved in a relationship??

Why can't you show me who you are and be yourself around me? Why can''t you talk to me?

I guess they kinda thought me how less emotionally attached i should learn to be towards things from now onwards. And sometimes i wonder why i chose to be what mom used to chide me as 'cold' towards others. Okie i knew that i seemed arrogant cos i usually bearly cast an eye on others. Haha that reminded me how the day calvin and i went shopping, and he taught me that while at orchard road, its the place to check people out. And yea. I usually don't nor care. Maybe i just knew i couldn't take partings too much. So if i weren't too 'warm' about things, i'd never need to experience sorrow when changes come. I need to be prepared for changes. I need to stop loving what i do too much least it ends. I need God.

''To have changes in the face of an unchanging God.''

_.a heart beat._ 13:49

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16/03/09 - :

Written on 16 March 09:

U know i was just sitting and stoning there at my concierge desk this morning when i kinda felt like i needed to use this space to pen some things down again. Wells. I used to think that things would always be simple and nice and well, simple. And that, to me, gave me the feeling of happiness. You know, am i really such an unhappy child? I guess i've always been known among my family members and close relatives to be a rather hard-to-please girl. As in, they would really go lengths to put a smile on my face. I remember once when mom promised that i'd hv lemon juice with dinner. And cos everyone else didn't, i made such a big fuss over her small promise that i was the only one who got my drink anyway. At that time, it didn't really strike me that i ought to be embarrassed by my behavior. I just wanted what i wanted. (Haha just a side thought, i realised that when i said simple was my happiness, i meant simple to get my own way with things!) And when i don't, i'd flip! Well part of a good friend's well wishes in his msg to me said that it would be most important to stay happy! That kinda kept me thinking, is any reason in my life to be unhappy? Well. I guess not. Then why am i unable to be genuinely contented all the time?

Well i guess after some thought about it, i finally understood that i've been taking so many things for granted. And above all, my family! You know, they rejoiced when i was happy. They worried when i was troubled. If life was a marathon, they've been with me and by my side all the time, cheering me on in the race! Like when i mulled over my A level results, they assured me and volunteered to go to the open houses with me so that they can advise me better. When i entered Popo's house last sunday, auntie announced my grandparent's joy to see me taking a step to the university! And to me, that was significant. Cos they cared, they shared, they are by me side in each step of the way. I'm really grateful for that. I love my family!

Okie i've started work since like a week back. And if u've had asked me how i felt about my work then, i'd just have said honestly how i really detest it! Like i can't quite understand why people would choose to be in this whole environment where competitive performance is a must, office politics is an expected and like its just so hard to see God. Well. It didn't help that i got ''scolded'' today for being overly reliant on my more experienced co-receptionist. I mean, i really tried my best to learn everything in the shortest time possible. And okie fine my boss of bosses said, ''Out of ten questions, you can't answer nine-and-a-half of them''. I guess i was really quite put off by that. In addition, he said, i know u're like very young and vulnerable and like ***'s friend...so its like i always have to worry if u're alright. Wow. That was like as good as a slap across my face? I mean, i might be eighteen(the youngest around) and its my first working experience and yes i know someone there, BUT! How could you so balantly tell me all that on my like 2nd week of work?! Without even regarding how i've even been trying to memorise all the forms and log-ins, and queues!! Plus, there wasn't even a proper training session where u tell me how things work around there. I jsut had to figure my way around! I feel like screaming..HELP! Okie i guess they're all busy and all..but i'm trying alright. Actually, i secretly don't mind if u just let me go. I hate it there anyway! But no, i'm gonna stay and learn as much in the shortest time possible and PROVE to you that i can handle it! Rawr. Bite off ur head!

_.a heart beat._ 21:21

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06/01/09 - :

Written in December 08:

Soo...The holidays are here! Ok maybe they already started like 2 months back when the big As ended. Well, i won't really say they we were holidays, cos you know how the festive season of christmas and countdowns just give you extra reason to be unnecessarily stressed! Haha. I've conviniently forgotten to include the numerous awesome catching up sessions with old time friends. Yep. Thrown in youth camp and slr, it was definitely a great time! :)

Maybe just some thoughts and reflections that have been staying with me over this period? Well. I like being free. I usually associate this strong desire to be so by combing the idea of my zodiac year which is the horse and that of its power to gallop! Like that of a stallion! I guess it originated from me being part of the red house way back in primary school where we happen to embolize the stallion as our house icon; something I remembered as being really proud of then. Haha. I also once heard this phrase while watching Dr. Dolittle 2 where his daughter inherit his miraculour ability of talking to animals. His daughter asked a newly captured horse why it didn't allow it's owner to tame it and put a yoke over its neck. And its reply was, ''I'm a stallion.'' It can't be controlled by mere reins. I was born to run free. By that, i mean to be free from responsibilities, from commitments, from relations etc. So after so many things has happened in the past, and finally putting away the emotional scars that were once badly inflicted on me at the worst possible time, another challenge lays ahead. Another battle which i'm not even sure of emerging victorious. Another fight which i seem to stand alone. A new phobia seemed to have develop in the course of the past year. One that i feel only God can help me overcome. If He wills. Will He?

Mm. Well i guess at this point of life, while by His grace i've managed to answer many of my lifelong questions, it also brought along more with it. And some of them which remained and perhaps will continue to suffice in the future will be: how much do your friends treasure you? Is our idea of the frienship a mutual and one of an equal understanding? To put the latter simply, are you the friend i can trust and confide, and yet myself also being the one you can trust and confide in? Much as I've tried to do away with so much thoughts about this issue about friendship in particular, because I'm more or less a rather independent and hate-to-rely-on-others-if-i-can-help-it kinda person, I've come to understand in the years that it consciously remains an important aspect of our lives that we can't simply remove and choose to ignore it. I guess ya know if youth is as they say a stage when people start putting on layers to mask their emotions from the crowd, i dare say i'm in a stage where yea, the mask is on, but can i still find a glimmer of hope for removing it from you? Can i continue to make excuses for you that oh, that's just another one of your masks, you're not really like that? Or do i even know the real you, anymore? Perhaps a lapse of time among friends often results in this. U begin to forget how to trust, how to open up to, how to allow others to do the same, how to... be a friend. Indeed if anything you can take away with you is that it takes two hands to clap. But the real question is, will you be first to raise this 'hand' - To willingly and so blatantly allow others to open the possible floodgates of hurt, feelings of being unappreciated, unreciprocated and uncared for? To reach out to others as u hold this small hope that they will respond back positively to you. Well i guess the truth is, not many or very few of us are willing to take it up. I think even for myself, as the experiences accumulate and lessons seized, I being to feel more reluctant to be this initiative to bare or bear this sense of vulnerability to others. This just well, continues to intrigue me.

So, in the year ahead, i've jotted down many resolutions. It's an old habit that came naturally to me cos of my clear forgetfulness. And i hope to achieve them of course! Haha. Okie so much for a penny of my thoughts. The year ahead is one that is definitely exciting, and challenging. But while we face individual struggles of our own, may we also be continuously surrounded by great friends who care and share these moments with! Not forgetting, above all, Jesus is our greatest friend, brother and help.

_.a heart beat._ 00:02

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